so, ill do Laos & Australia in separate posts.
Again, ongoing uploads as I'm incredibly busy at the moment.
The night is ebbing away & this 4 hour bus journey at 4am is what I need.
Like that beautiful feeling somewhere in-between the 2nd and 4th toke where you linger in existence, moving like a slow fog between two plains. Not quite solid but not quite dissolved, but a transitionary phase beading both ways. There is no concrete here there is just you and a muggy optimism which starts at the bottom of the soul working it's way outward.
Smiles all the way through which say "right now it's ok" in a land before workdays & dead friends, after sleep but before waking.
But beyond me I can see the sun coming up, I should try to sleep before it does otherwise my body will switch modes and I'll have to be awake & aware of the subtle depression it brings that gnaws at the back of your throat and inside your belly.
The daylight requires effort & perserverance that is hard to muster sometimes, I'm always here & there in different mindsets pushing myself in one direction or another and very rarely stable.
I close my eyes, breath in heavily through my nostrils and think about Wu-Wei, the art of no action, to try and clear my mind to sink me further into the last remnants of dawn. There is a specific art to clearing the mind and it took me a long time to learn it, over bus rides & hostels rooms in new Zealand where I had great satoris that went beyond what words could communicate, but one specific incident sticks out - seeing some old bum sing "there's a soul train coming" at sunset near a lake, in a tone that had such depth I really believed that something would happen.
That maybe this was it, maybe the rapture would come and sit large on our heads to judge us or it would arrive with the full force of a mountain and we'd all get on our knees and not know what to do.
In that instance I could feel every step below me & every breath escape me.
For a single glorious instant I merged with the horizon, before snapping back to the concrete.
It seems but a penny in the pool for us to pick out certain aspects of nature and glorify them above others, it makes the rest if seem worthless enough to put cafes & hotels on so we may grace ourselves with the view of a wonder from the safety of something equally as wonderful beneath our feet, but discarded as so in arbitrary fashion.
There is as much beauty in a bedsheet as there is in Halong Bay.
The sublime took over though and I reached again for something I could not grasp whilst swimming in the waters in one of it's inclosures. It made the whole thing more wonderful to be properly in touch with the water that touches it. forever trying to remove the barrier between me & the void, forever trying to be a part of it all and cut the chord separating me from buddhahood.
Because they know, they see through that great eye into the undulating heart of it all and I feel like an ant destined to scurry about on top collecting firewood so I can keep warm.
We've all been provided for.
But still I concentrate too much in social convention and trying to be closer to people, understanding relationships and dynamics and fitting myself into where I want to be & how I want to be viewed, it's a complete double standard which Nietzsche would be utterly ashamed of
"stop being such a coward and leave the herd behind" I'm sure he'd say. There is no growth in mindless following, and it's true that this trip I've stuck to too many people.
I suppose we're all looking for something more, thats why we're here right? Because our bones are creaking back home
Crossing the border from Cambodia and seeing a large rusting sign in the wetlands that read "Cambodia Vietnam - for mutual progression "
But it felt fake, like all policies in that vein do to me, ive never thought about politicians as friendly open minded people, not in this age anyway. They're all stagnant pigs destined to burn out in the wake of failing rhetoric.
I once believed in Cameron but that was in the shadow of Brown, the man who aged before your eyes, brow furrowing and eyes darkening minute by minute. He didn't deserve the lead spot anyway. Cameron was a clean alternative who capitalised on this, easing his way to the top. But they're all the same at that level.
once you're above the clouds you lose sight of the ground that got you there.
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