i wrote this after my mother died 2 1/2 years ago, its been in the drafts of my tumblr since then.
Interesting.
death and other things.
3 months on.
today marks the 3 month anniversary of my mothers death, the cause i’ll be finding out on the 30th of this month. it has changed me irreparably as a person, a part of me disappeared when she died, and i can’t quite describe which part but all i know is that i am a lot more self-aware these days. it made me realise how much - even subconsciously - parents come into your everyday actions, even the smallest of things sticks in my throat. it’s not that i now find myself aware of when i think “what would mum think” but that i am now aware that in a lot of things i did there is a certain feeling you associate with your parents that you find as a justification of your actions, its the most minuscule of things and I’ve never noticed it before but you could say its like a background noise, a cement wall behind you that you never notice, but that has now become apparent. it’s not a phrase, or words, just a certain twitch of the consciousness that allows you do to things. incredibly hard to describe as its milliseconds long.
the grief has sunk in, it’s not an everyday thing anymore, my priorities have switched but because of this the stabbing memories and realisations are now a lot more painful when they do. the strength of the grief is still the same, still incapacitating when it hits, just shorter. i’ve learnt to ignore it (and i realise thats completely wrong) and focus my energy on positivity.
i have no excuses anymore, everything i want to do ill do off my own back, she is my only reason for doing anything these days. she gets me out of bed, she provides me with what seems like endless energy & passion.
whatever i accomplish in life, it’ll be because of her, and solely for her.
one of the largest changes is that i now longer take anything for granted, be friendly to everyone, appreciate everything, everyone has their own lives, everyone is a universe and you should be pleased people have let you in even the smallest way. when you greet someone, look them in the eye and try to take in properly what they are saying.
